The Dark Side of Nostalgia
Have you ever found yourself feeling pain or discomfort when reminiscing about the good old days? It’s quite surprising at first. After all, how can such a pleasant and happy moment arouse the opposite feelings in you? To better understand this feeling, we need to shed light on the dark side of nostalgia.
The word nostalgia derives from the Greek words ‘nostos’ and ‘algos’ which mean ‘homecoming’ and ‘pain’, respectively. When you experience nostalgia, it literally means that you feel suffering from a longing to travel back to your true self – the self that has long gone.
It’s not fair to say that nostalgia is a negative experience overall. In fact, there are many points where nostalgia is useful. Nostalgia can help people feel more connected to their past and to their sense of self. When people reflect on positive experiences from their past, they can gain a sense of continuity in their lives and a sense of stability that can be reassuring in times of change or uncertainty.
However, maintaining a balance during nostalgia plays an important role. When we excessively reminisce about the past, it is more difficult to focus on the present and the future. This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair, which can be detrimental to our mental and physical health.
From time to time, I find myself sitting in the dark rooms of happy memories. The smell of these good memories is bitter and burns me every time I recall them. Even if I know intellectually that these are good moments, the feeling I wake up with tells me the opposite. My childhood laughs and its laughter turns to tears inside me. It’s impossible to return and it’s impossible to remain. I can’t find the door in these dark rooms. I don’t know how many days or months it’s been, time has no beginning or end here. Am I a prisoner here or the jailer herself? When and how did these beautiful days turn into my worst nightmare? Is it possible to wake up to the present or am I destined to live in the faded colors of the happy past?
Indeed, happy memories can sometimes awaken the greatest pain and become the greatest torture. I’ve experienced this myself and I know that many people also feel that way from time to time. Let’s dive into the dark rooms of happy memories and find a window that will bring back the light.
How Can Good Memories Cause Pain?
1. Rosy retrospection
It is a cognitive bias that refers to people’s tendency to remember past events more favorably than they actually do. This bias can contribute to feelings of pain when recalling good memories, as it can create unrealistic expectations or idealized versions of the past. When people remember their past experiences through a rose-colored lens, they can set themselves up for disappointment or feelings of loss when they compare these unrealistic memories to their present reality.
For example, if you find yourself remembering a past vacation that was perfect, you might feel a sense of disappointment or even sadness as you are not able to repeat that experience in your current life.
There are several different psychological theories that try to explain rosy retrospection:
- Positivity Bias Theory: This theory suggests that people have a natural tendency to focus on positive information and memories, which can lead to a more rosy view of the past. When people look back on their past experiences, they are more likely to remember the positive aspects and downplay or forget the negative ones.
- Self-Enhancement Theory: According to this theory, people have a natural tendency to see themselves in a positive light. When reflecting on past events, people may selectively remember positive aspects of their own behavior or achievements, while downplaying their mistakes or failures. This self-improvement bias can lead to a more positive view of the past.
- Reconstruction Theory: This theory suggests that memories are not fixed or objective, but instead are constantly reconstructed according to our current beliefs and attitudes. When people remember the past, they may unconsciously alter or distort their memories to fit their current beliefs and attitudes. This can lead to a more positive or negative view of the past, depending on one’s current mindset.
2. Regret and missed opportunities
Another reason why old memories cause pain is regret and missed opportunities. Looking back on past events can cause us to think about things we could have done differently or opportunities we missed. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even regret.
3. Loss of good
Sometimes, old memories can trigger feelings of loss. We may feel a sense of grief or longing for people or experiences we can no longer have. If you’ve noticed, memories are usually more painful if they involve good things that we can’t achieve right now, like being healthier, happier, and having more fulfilling relationships, etc.
4. Comparisons with the present
When we compare these too-good-to-be-true memories with our current situation, we may erroneously conclude that our current situation is not satisfying at all. This can lead to feelings of discontent and frustration with our current situation.
Tips to Make Happy Memories Happy Again
- Accept that past. How lucky you are to have so many beautiful memories! Yes, maybe you will never be able to relive those moments again. But time keeps flowing so that you can create more beautiful ones. So why get stuck in one moment?
- Reframe your thoughts. It is easiest to see the missed opportunities in the good memories of the past and tarnish that memory. Do the hard work and focus on how the past days have added greatness to your current self, even the missed opportunities.
- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help you stay present and focused on the moment. No matter how beautiful the memories are, too much reflection leads us to miss the present moment and diminishes our enjoyment of it. If you often find yourself dwelling on past events, then practicing mindfulness techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel more centered and calm.
- Create new memories. The past is in the past. So what do you have now? look at the present and try to see the opportunities you have. I am sure that the present is home to many opportunities that will come back to you as good memories in the future. By focusing on the present and actively seeking out new experiences, you can shift your attention away from the past and towards the future.
- Seek support. If this situation disturbs your daily functioning and reduces the enjoyment of your daily activities, then talk about it with someone you trust. Whether it’s a close friend or a therapist, having someone to share your thoughts and feelings with can be cathartic and healing.
Embrace the Bittersweet Side of Nostalgia
Nostalgia is a powerful experience that can transport you back to the dusty days of the past. It is a bittersweet emotion that contains both happiness and sorrow.
Unfortunately, many of us carry the mourning of the good old days with us like a burden. Why turn the present into a dreary graveyard where good memories lie? Don’t let the beauty of the past mislead you because you can be sure that today will be a beautiful memory that you will remember and miss tomorrow. I remind myself of this often and give my current self a chance to create happy memories now.
If you feel that you will never experience those good old days again, well you’re absolutely right! Let me tell you that when you stop being jealous of the past and start appreciating it, you will see that there are many more beautiful memories that have not happened yet, right under your nose.
Let me finish with a beautiful poem:
“The most beautiful sea
hasn’t been crossed yet.
The most beautiful child
hasn’t grown up yet.
Our most beautiful days
we haven’t seen yet.
And the most beautiful words I wanted to
tell you
I haven’t said yet… ”
– Nazim Hikmet
Cheers to the good old days!
Elif
Featured Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
